Your child might be chatty at home but very quiet at school, preschool or kindergarten. Perhaps they won’t talk to their teacher, answer questions, ask for help, read aloud or speak during group activities. You might wonder whether they’re simply shy, or whether it could be Selective Mutism.
Shyness is common in children. Some children take a while to warm up to new people or unfamiliar places. They may be quiet at first but become more comfortable as they get to know someone.
Selective Mutism is different. It’s an ongoing difficulty speaking in particular situations, even though the child speaks comfortably in others, such as at home. So how can you tell the difference?
What does shyness look like?
A shy child might find new situations uncomfortable. They may hide behind a parent, avoid eye contact or speak very quietly when they meet someone new. They might take some time before joining a group or answering a question.
Usually, though, their talking becomes easier as they feel more comfortable. A shy child will often start chatting with their teacher once they’ve had time to get to know them, and talk more freely with other children once they feel settled. Shyness also tends to come and go depending on the situation.
What does Selective Mutism look like?
Selective Mutism is more than being quiet. A child with Selective Mutism consistently finds speaking difficult in certain situations, even though they can speak normally where they feel comfortable. For example, a child might:
- talk freely at home but not at school, preschool or kinder
- speak to their parents but not to their teacher
- talk to one close friend but not to other children
- whisper rather than use their usual voice
- nod or shake their head instead of answering
- avoid reading aloud or asking for help
- freeze when someone asks them a question
- speak in some parts of the school, such as the playground, but not in the classroom.
The pattern is different for every child. One child might not speak at all in the classroom but talk in the playground. Another might speak to their teacher one-on-one but not when other children are nearby.
“But they’re just shy”
Selective Mutism is often described as shyness at first. This can happen because the child may not look particularly worried. They might smile, play with other children and seem to be enjoying themselves. They may seem very confident at home.
But a child who looks comfortable may still find speaking very hard. Some children with Selective Mutism become very still or quiet when they’re anxious, and rely on gestures or other children to get what they need. So it’s worth looking past whether your child seems shy and thinking about their overall pattern of talking.
My child won’t talk to their teacher – what does that tell me?
This can be one of the clearest differences. A shy child might hesitate before answering a teacher, especially when they’re new to the class, but usually becomes more comfortable with time.
For a child with Selective Mutism, the difficulty can continue even after they’ve known the teacher for months. They might know the answer and want to answer, but can’t get the words out. This is often most noticeable when the teacher asks them a direct question in front of other children.
If the teacher then says, “Come on, you know the answer,” or repeats the question, the child may become even more anxious. That doesn’t mean teachers should never ask questions. It means thinking carefully about how questions are asked and how much pressure the child feels.
Notice what your child can do in different situations
One of the most useful things you can do is notice the differences between settings. Ask yourself:
- Who does my child talk to? Parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, close friends?
- Where do they talk? At home, in the car, at the shops, at a friend’s house, in the playground?
- When do they talk? Is talking easier with fewer people around, or during an activity rather than sitting in a group?
- How do they communicate when they aren’t speaking? Do they nod, point, gesture or whisper?
These details help show whether your child’s difficulty is linked to particular people, places or situations, and they are very helpful to share with a psychologist.
What can teachers and educators do?
If a child isn’t speaking at school or preschool, pressure to talk usually doesn’t help. Telling a child to “just say it” doesn’t address the anxiety that’s getting in the way.
Teachers can still include the child in activities and conversations, give them time to respond, and accept non-verbal answers when needed. It also helps to use comments rather than lots of questions. Instead of “What are you drawing?”, a teacher might say, “You’ve used lots of different colours in your picture.” The child can respond if they’re comfortable, without being put on the spot.
Teachers can also look for situations where the child already communicates more easily. These can be good starting points for building up talking gradually. Our article Selective Mutism at School: Practical Tips for Parents & Teachers has more ideas.
What can parents do?
Try not to compare your child’s talking at home and at school. It’s natural to say, “But you talk to me all the time!” You know your child can talk, because you hear it every day. But pointing this out doesn’t make speaking at school easier.
Instead, let your child know you understand that talking can feel hard in some places. Talk with their teacher and ask what they’re noticing: whether your child communicates with particular children, in certain activities, or in different parts of the school. This tells you much more than simply knowing that they “don’t talk”.
When should you seek help?
If your child consistently isn’t speaking at school, preschool or kinder, and it’s affecting their learning, friendships or ability to join in, it’s worth getting advice. You don’t have to wait until your child has stopped speaking everywhere.
A psychologist experienced with Selective Mutism can look at the pattern and work out whether Selective Mutism may be part of the picture. Early support also helps parents and teachers understand what to do and, just as importantly, what not to do.
Still not sure?
You don’t need to decide based on one behaviour. Look at the bigger picture. A child who is quiet with a new teacher may simply need time to warm up. A child who still can’t speak to their teacher after months, while talking freely at home, may need a closer look.
The question isn’t only “Is my child shy?” It’s also: “Is my child’s difficulty speaking getting in the way of everyday life, and does it continue even when they’ve had time to feel comfortable?”
How the Selective Mutism Clinic can help
At the Selective Mutism Clinic, treatment usually starts with sessions for parents only, so you can learn what is happening and how to help at home. We then work with your child directly, and hold video meetings with your child’s teacher or educator so that home and school are working together. Sessions are available at our clinic in St Leonards, Sydney, or online anywhere in Australia. Read more about our treatment program.
Teachers and preschool educators may find our webinar Selective Mutism Strategies for Schools and Preschools helpful, and parents can join Strategies for Parents of Children with Selective Mutism.
Get in touch or call us on 02 9438 2511. You don’t need a referral to book; a GP referral is only needed for a Medicare rebate.
More articles: What Is Selective Mutism? A Guide for Parents | Why Does My Child Talk at Home but Not at School? | Selective Mutism at School: Practical Tips for Parents & Teachers | Selective Mutism and PDA: Helping Children Who Need to Feel in Control | Supporting Your Child When a School Psychologist Suggests “Give It Some Time” | CBT for Selective Mutism | Is Selective Mutism an Anxiety Disorder? | Speech Therapy, Play Therapy or Medication for Selective Mutism?
Written by Dr Elizabeth Woodcock, Clinical Psychologist and Director of the Selective Mutism Clinic in St Leonards, Sydney. Elizabeth has over 20 years’ experience as a clinical psychologist and has seen or supervised more than 1,800 children, teenagers and adults with Selective Mutism. She runs the clinic’s webinars for parents, teachers and health professionals. Read more about Elizabeth
